Ok, first off I have to admit I've never seen the movie Frozen. But you'd have to be hiding under a rock with no children in a 1,000 mile radius not to have heard the song. I have let life and the drama and stress it brings push me to all "go" and no "no." Sometimes we just have to let things go. Before Frozen came out we had AA give us the phrase "It is what it is" as well as having the Serenity Prayer to remind us to let things go that we can't control.
I was challenged by a friend today to write. And write I will. To let it go, it's gotta come out. So unlike most of my blog posts, there is no rhyme or reason to this one. Just a process of letting it out and letting it go. So Crystal, this is for you! ;)
I first started feeling very tired in March of 2014. I went to a doctor for blood work and my cortisol levels came back very high, which indicates high stress. I got the results the day before I left for my Granddaddy Amos' funeral, my second grandparent funeral of 2014, would end up with my last and final grandparent dying before the end of 2014. I asked the doctor what to do and he said "take deep breaths." Seriously, that's it?! I left literally shaking and upset and not sure what to do next. But I'm a person who in crisis step up to the plate, deal with it and afterward fall apart. Which may be exactly what is happening right now. Because ALL of 2014 was one big crisis. The highlights include three grandparents dying, my daughter running away, bouts of her being in the hospital and a group home, lots of doctor visits for her, massive medical bills, a job promotion to manager, to a position where I was the third manager in 15 months (the others quit if that tells you anything about the stress levels of the job). Our rent went up twice, our truck broke down a couple of times, once leaving us stranded on the side of the road on Christmas Eve with all of our presents in the back of it. My son, a senior in high school, found out not all his credits from Georgia transferred, so he has more classes to do next year. His senior photos are all in a nice neat package in my nightstand now awaiting a hopeful "5th year senior" status and graduation. To say I was looking forward to 2014 to end is an understatement of great proportion.
I did start taking yoga, pilates, walking much more (lots of walking in my new job position too) and limiting the nights I would bring my work laptop home to do work at night and weekends. I also started taking all kinds of herbs, vitamin and even cannabis oil drops (the CBD part that has the medicinal properties in it, not the THS part)
Thank you 2015!! Was looking forward to a much better year. The year I turn 40, the year that you supposedly are the ultimate combination of settled in, have a decent job, have learned from past mistakes and are still healthy enough to enjoy the wisdom you've finally acquired. Only it hasn't worked out quite that way.
In mid December I got strep throat. Then another infection. By January had the flu and now fighting a head and chest cold. All this interspersed with extreme bone pain, intermittent debilitating fatigue and brain fog. Went back to a new doctor for more tests. Still in the middle of that one. But at least this doctor is looking for answers, not just telling me to go chill. And while I have in black and white, numbers that show things are not right, I also know that long-term stress can reek havoc on your body.
I've also learned that even good stress can be stress. Good stress would be things like getting a small group at church started for people affected by mental illness (aimed mainly at parents, but open to anyone, family or friend affected), working on the greeting team, attending my Walk, Water, Word small group and an 8-week marriage workshop my husband and I are attending. Good stress could also include the Book Club I'm in, with books I love to read and people I love to be around, but still its another source of a deadline and another to-do item on my list.
The fatigue has gotten worse and today I ended up home by 11 am. It gave me quite a bit of time today to really reflect on some things. Having to come home stressed me. Stopped to think, why would taking a day off work stress me out even more? And it hit me that I let what I "do" dictate my self worth. Not what I do as in what career I have, but in literally what I do. What if I can't clean or cook for my family, what if I can't work and bring home an income, would I be less of a person? Would I still matter?
I also have to wonder how much of this could be a spiritual attack? My husband and I are taking our marriage workshop seriously and truly working on behaviors, attitudes and actions. I'm helping lead a small group and have been open (though somewhat subtle) in my office about my beliefs, displaying Bible verses and such in my office. I think of Job and wonder about what all he thought about as his children, home and health were taken. I wonder if I've done something wrong, but then I also wonder if how I react and respond isn't a way to be a testimony to the power of prayer and having God in my life.
So while I still wait to see if/what is wrong, I'm learning a new concept. "Be Still" I never have been able to do that. One other time I got to an overwhelming state and it affected me more mentally and I ended up in the hospital, forced to be still. But here I am, running full force again. Why, oh why, do I have to have extremes to get my attention??! So for now, I will rest, albeit forced, rest is happening. Sweet time to pray, evaluate where I'm at, where I want to be and realize that all of life is by grace, not by works.
And as far as the song "Let it Go," well God had that one covered long before Disney!!
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin." Matthew 6:28
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" Luke 12:25
"See, the Lord your God has given you the land. Go up and take possession of it as the Lord, the God of your ancestors, told you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut. 1:21
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account." Ecclesiastes 3
And if you come to my house, please just ignore the dust bunnies, I've learned that they won't bite or kill you! ;)
