Lobbying for "Asks"

My trip to Washington, DC, as a board member and representative of the Florida Panhandle Chapter of the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention), was enlightening and empowering.  I'm still processing much of the trip and the massive amounts of information that we learned at the Advocacy Forum prior to our lobbying at the Capital. 

In the process of our "Hill Day" I learned that that our requests are called "asks." The staffers, representatives and senators have very limited amounts of time, even when your appointments are scheduled.  When you go in and finish introductions most of them quickly went straight to the point and said, "So what are your 'asks'?"  In lobbying your "asks" are the things you are asking them to do or consider.  There was no talk about weather, or really anything off topic.  It was all specific with guidelines and goals. It also eliminated any initial awkwardness about making requests, because we all knew that was the entire reason for our appointment.

From a how-to lobby site: "Lobby meetings are often centered around a specific “ask” of the legislator, typically their support on a particular piece of legislation, releasing a statement or signing on to congressional letters, etc." 

They knew we weren't there to just chit chat, but that we had a purpose, and that we needed them to help accomplish that purpose.  Our success depended on how clearly we were able to define those requests and relay them on.  

Even at lunch, in the food court tunnels under the Capital buildings, we met other lobbyists and they would also ask us what our "asks" were and we would inquire about theirs.  

We could have spent our time, spent our resources (flights, hotels, etc) and accomplished nothing if we didn't know what we were asking for or willing to ask for it.  How frustrating it would have been to do all that we did with no results, simply because we didn't ask for anything specific. 

Yet how often do we do that with other things in life?  We assume people will know what we need.  We expect them to read between the lines.  And even if they do know what we need we expect them to know what we want from them specifically.  That isn't fair to them or to yourself. So just some food for thought.  If you need something, be clear, know what you want/need, know how they can help, what exactly you expect their role to be and then ASK.  They can still say no, but it eliminates the assuming and resentments that can come from that.

Confessions of a control freak

My job title is manager. It’s what I do. I manage things. I problem solve. I figure it out. And at work I’m really, really good at it. Basically I’m a self proclaimed control freak. Except I’m one that is learning control, especially outside of the work realm, is often an illusion. Or a form of manipulation.

Recently my alanon sponsor told me “figure it out” is not a step. The thing is, I’m stubborn. Inside I’m like a todddler stomping its feet, angry, screaming “no, ME do it!” Even though doing it all my way results in failure more often than not.

The sad part is that this often affects my spiritual life too. Hey Mr Jesus Dude, thanks for dying on the cross so we can have eternal life. Couldn’t do that myself. But this, this issue, this problem, this concern, this person, you can back off, I got it. Then on occasion as my juggling act threatens to come tumbling down I may be like, hey, I need a quick hand for a sec. Whooo, thanks, that was a close one. Got the plates all back spinning and balanced again.  Stored your number under favs. Will shout if I need you later. Chill, see ya around.

Ok, so I know that sounds trite and disrespectful. But if that is my actions, then that’s about how stupid and silly it really is. And sad. And dishonoring. And downright foolish.

Today’s sermon was thought provoking. Not in a that’s a great sermon, elequent, bravo, cute little golf clap way. But in a way that requires action. Now that action could be to ignore it, but let’s get real, ignoring is still an action. It was about the Holy Spirit. Not in one of those creepy fall over the pew sort of ways. But in a way that reminds us that we NEED him in our life. That he is our source of power and strength. We may get pretty far along just white knuckling it. But it won’t go the distance. And it’s sure not an enjoyable way to live. So went forward after the sermon for prayer. But this isn’t something that someone else can pray and ask for you. It has to be personal. And like was said in the sermon, it has to be requested.

I’ve felt all week like I was at some sort of crossroads. Where I have to decide my will or Yours. My control or His. The choice is mine. Completely and totally. No pressure, no forcing. Just this nudging. This knowledge that my way isn’t cutting it. And that to succeed I have to be willing to let go of control. All control, not just the parts I “felt” were out of control.  No matter how counter intuitive that sounds or feels. It also means fully trusting Him. From someone who has a hard time with trust. So this afternoon I went to the cross. Literally. We have a cross at a Catholic Church a block from our house. I got on my knees, I let go of my control, I poured out my hurts, my frustrations, my failures. I asked for His Spirit to guide me. To help me trust  completely and wholly in His Sovereignty. To lead, and for strength to continue to let him guide. Because I know that stubborn self is just waiting to start kicking and screaming for what it wants. I know it will be a daily surrender. A daily choice to hand over my will and my desires. But my way wasn’t working, no matter how much I tried to believe it was enough. Didn’t matter if my way included being good, nice, helping others, leading, quiet time, church involvement, community service, etc.

No rushing winds came by, no claps of thunder, no flames of fire. No overly emotional breakdowns. Does that means nothing happened? Nope, for me I think God wants me to act on trust, not feelings. Feelings come and go, emotions come and go. So to have that as a sign that I have the Spirit of God in me could cause me to later think I don’t anymore, if my feelings later changed. What did happen is I felt at peace, a calm. A knowing that I don’t have it all together. I don’t have full control. I don’t have it all figured out. And I’ll probably have moments of panic where I want to try to jump in and wrestle with control. I’ll have times where my self wins and tries to rule. But I also have a promise. A promise that He will never leave me, abandon me. A promise that He will always be with me, even if it’s in the midst of a storm. A promise that the same God who created the world created me. And loves me. Flaws and all.

Follow the Bubbles!

As we all know, the written portion of learning can be a lot different from the actual hands on section.  This is especially true in learning to SCUBA dive.  It's one thing to intellectually know what to do in case you run out of air, its something totally different when you are under water and your air flow ceases and you have to fight panic and do what you learned in the classroom.

Another example in SCUBA training is learning to follow the bubbles.  They taught that sometimes you can get disorientated and not know up from down, and in that case to watch the direction that your bubbles go.  The bubbles ALWAYS go up toward the surface, so use them to orientate yourself.  Sitting at the desk I was like, really?? I mean come on, how do you not know if you are upside down or not?! But guess what, when practicing buoyancy and flipping and turning, you really can lose your sense of direction, not just horizontally, but vertically.  Every one of your senses can be screaming at you that you are headed up to the surface yet the bubbles are going down.  But are the bubbles really going down?  Nope, they are going up and it is you that is upside down.  It is a bizarre feeling when this happens, but it does happen. 

In our everyday lives people can warn of us getting disorientated and losing our place and what seems to be up is down, and down is up.  We think we know something as basic as this, and brush off the warnings.  But we all must have a constant standard, that no matter what our surroundings seem like or our senses and mind might be telling us, is the unwavering truth.  Our bubbles.  Stop the kicking, the panic, the thrashing and swimming against the flow.  Stop. Take a minute to just be still. And look for those indicators that will always point the way up, to our life source of air, without fail, no matter the circumstances. 

Not sure what your bubbles are?  God's Word can be one indicator, another could be friends, accountability people or counselors that help guide.  When I SCUBA dive most of the time I am in a group that is led by a dive master.  He (or she) will often swim up alongside of you and ask to check the level of your air and other computer settings.  In times of panic they will hold your arm, steadying you, help you get your breathing steady.  And the dive masters are there to give assurance as you follow them.  Ultimately, they also follow the bubbles.  But sometimes its a comfort to have a dive partner (having a partner is actually a requirement when diving) or dive master assuring you that you are on the right track.

So chill, and follow your bubbles.  They will always lead you up, to the surface and life giving air.

Greener Grass - Real or Fake?

The grass IS greener on the other side of the fence!  But it might just be fake....

Last week while I was out on a property that I manage I was watching our landscape company paint the grass.  Yes, you heard me, they were painting the grass green. 

You see, it is winter here and the grass is dormant, but this community is at the beach and is a higher end resort community.  Many of us who live in the area call it a "bubble."  Our job is to make everything as perfect as possible, even the grass.  The snowbirds don't flock down here just to see more brown grass.  And while winter rye is an option, due to the boardwalks/walkways we didn't want those seeds sprouting up in between walkways.  So painting is the most viable option in this case until it's time for the grass to come out of it's dormant state.

However, this started me thinking on how many other areas in life that instead of dealing with the real issues we cover it up so that externally it looks healthy and green. Yet underneath it is brown, dead or dormant. I've really gotten into word meaning lately so looked up the definition for dormant.

dor·mant  [ˈdôrmənt]

 

ADJECTIVE

(of an animal) having normal physical functions suspended or slowed down for a period of time; in or as if in a deep sleep:

"dormant butterflies"

"the event evoked memories that she would rather had lain dormant"

synonyms: asleep · sleeping · resting · inactive · passive · inert · latent · quiescent

antonyms: awake · active

• (of a plant or bud) alive but not actively growing.

So to have a dormant area in our life means we have an area that is still alive, but it is inactive, not actively growing and/or suspended from it's normal functions.  To revive these kinds of areas takes work, time and effort.  Sometimes it takes an external boost, like fertilizer or extra nutrients, or in practical terms things like counseling or small groups.  * Disclaimer: there are times in our lives where a period of inactivity or rest is needed for future growth.

 

Covering the grass in green paint is very much like the definition of mask: "a manner or expression that hides one's true character or feelings; a pretense." 

 

Obviously not everyone that asks us "how are you?" truly cares or wants to hear a real answer.  But it is important that we learn to be real with ourselves first and foremost.  From there we learn to be real with God, with our spouses and with a mentor, sponsor, accountability person or a trusted friend.  And who knows, you may just find out someone else has been there, done that, before you and can turn out to be an asset and source of strength you never expected to find.

 

"When you show up authentic, you create the space for others to do the same." ~ unknown

 

"Be careful who you pretend to be, you may forget who you are." ~ unknown

 

 

 

Word of the Year (2018) - THRIVE!

2018.  This year is starting off somewhat different than other years.  For one thing I didn't write out an unattainable list of resolutions.  Things that I will forget by mid-March, if not sooner.  Instead I created a vision board, divided up in categories such as health, spiritual, family, travel, finance, career, etc. and with photos, quotes and goals on how I want each of those areas to look in my life in this upcoming year. 
I'm also using a planner and combining short journaling, a planner, calendar, goal setting, gratitude list, prayer list, stickers and mini scrapbooking and other items all in one place.

In mid-December I started going to Al-Anon and realized that I spent too much time attempting to fix or manage other people or things that are not my responsibility, while neglecting focusing on my own life and areas I need to work on.  They have great quotes, like "Live and Let Live" and "Let Go and Let God."  The group is also helping me see my codependency issues, control issues and anger and resentments I have toward others when they don't meet my expectations.  I could go on and on about this group, what I'm learning there, and their slogans, but will save that for another day.

The biggest decision so far this year was that I decided to take at least a month to live alone and work through some of my codependent and boundary issues.  A healing time.  To learn to make changes for MY life, and not to try to manipulate someone else to make changes in theirs.  And that if they choose to not ever change, then learn to accept that and be able to move on, freely and without resentments.

All of this culminated in my mind to incorporate the word THRIVE.  Nineteen days in and I realize that having a word is great and all, but that it was time to really explore what that word even means and how I can use it in my life in a practical way.  What does it mean?  What does it not mean?  How can I apply it?

First is the definition.  According to Webster:

Thrive [THrīv]

 

VERB

thrives (third person present) · thrived (past tense) · throve (past tense) · thriving (present participle) · thriven (past participle)

(of a child, animal, or plant) grow or develop well or vigorously:

"the new baby thrived"

• prosper; flourish:
  "education groups thrive on organization"
• "a thriving economy"
  synonyms: flourish · prosper · burgeon · bloom · blossom · mushroom · do well · advance · succeed · boom · flourishing · prosperous · prospering · growing · developing · burgeoning

While searching for the definition I saw multiple definitions on failure to thrive.  This was a medical diagnosis given to my daughter when she was a year old.  "A child is said to have failure to thrive when they don’t meet recognized standards of growth."  It is a stagnation of growth and if it persists can result in a feeding tube becoming necessary for the child to survive.

 

So basically thriving isn't just out there having fun and living life to the fullest.  No synonyms include the words party or fun.  Not that we shouldn't live life to the fullest.  I firmly believe we should make the most of the life we are blessed with.  Twice in the past few months I've seen someone whose life was cut short, way to short, unexpected and devastating.

 

To truly thrive means to grow.  Not just a growth of survival, an absence of death; but a growth that is marked by flourishing and vigor.  As I make decisions this year, they need to be seen through the lens of thriving.  Will this decision, will this choice, will this action encourage a vigorous growth in my life, or will it be detrimental to my physical, spiritual or mental well-being?  What friends, situations and activities will reinforce the principles in my life and help them grow stronger?  What choices will help me keep my boundaries so that other influences don't choke out success, but cause stagnation of growth? What am I willing to do so that I can make the best decisions to flourish and I don't get to the point where I would need an external force ("feeding tube") making decisions for me simply to sustain life? When I see the word thrive throughout this year, those are the questions I will be reminding myself of.

 

So there you have it, my word of the year for 2018.  THRIVE!

 

 

When a Tiny Project Keeps Growing...and Growing...and Growing!

Currently underway is a huge sealant and painting project at a community that I manage.  One that will last several months long.  One thing I've noticed is that as they complete one section, the sections next to it, that I thought looked fine prior, now look in dire need of a coat of paint. 

The exterior paint job has also highlighted some areas in the interior of the underground parking.  So I decided to have my staff brighten up a few things in there as well.  First thing was to repaint all the blue handicap areas and the blue stripes in the parking lot.  Once this was done it made the white arrows and white stripes look dull.  So then I directed them to paint the white.  After the white was done you could see the sidewalk floor leading to the elevator lobby badly needed a fresh coat of paint.  That job was completed yesterday so then today I noticed that much of the yellow curbing now looks dull, with black marks on along the front sides of the curbs.  What was going to be a quick touch up of the blue has now led to our second week of interior garage painting.

Have you ever done that?  Where you paint one area of your home and then realize everything around it now looks dirty or dingy?  Or maybe you've cleaned out your refrigerator and felt great about it until you opened the freezer and realized it needs it too.

As I was giving my staff direction this morning on the addition of painting the yellow curbing I realized that this is happening in my life right now too.  There was a specific thing I had really wanted to work on regarding personal growth.  In that endeavor I have a mentor that I meet with regularly to bounce things off of and to get a different perspective on some things other than just my own thoughts on a subject.  It also provides accountability.  Much the same as I meet regularly with my staff, so that if they get tired of painting, I can encourage them to keep on and point out areas that they are doing great, but on occasion point out areas for improvement or safety.  To make sure they are using tape to keep straight lines or a reminder to put out wet floor or wet paint signs.  And then sometimes, like today, they thought they were finally done and I added the yellow curbs to the list. 

Today I felt that way personally, like God was speaking to me and adding way more to my personal growth list than I had bargained for. Telling me that I still have blurred lines and to use His Word to make sure my lines stay straight. That made me wonder if maybe I need to hang a "caution, work in progress" sign around my neck!  Just kidding.  But seriously, just as I'm getting one area all spiffed up and a fresh coat of paint, I turn and see another area being highlighted that now appears dirty or dingy.  In one way I'm grateful because if my first impression had just been all the messy areas in my life I might have given up long ago. So in that way I'm grateful that it is a process.  However, it is one that is definitely growing and growing. 

Questions to ask myself:

• What are some areas in my life that I want to change or are currently working on? 
• In that process have I seen other areas that weren't even on my radar before now being highlighted? 
• Does it discourage me that it could become a never ending list? 
• Or am I encouraged because while I know it is becoming much more in-depth than I had ever imagined, I also know how satisfied it feels when a specific project or area is completed? 
• Am I willing to continue to make improvements, even if that means I will be constantly improving and learning until my last breath?

Here's a verse that I use to encourage myself:

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.  - Philippians 1:6

Braces - The Process for a Great Smile

When I was around 30 I decided to get braces.  My top teeth were nice and straight, but the bottom ones were crooked.  I debated getting them as I thought if I've gone this long without braces, then what's the point.  Thankfully someone else I knew had braces as an adult and reminded me that two years of braces, even as an adult, were well worth the next 50+ years of nice straight teeth.  Two years at that moment literally felt "forever" but she was right.  A decade or so later those two years seem to be just a blip and am so grateful I went through with it.

At the consultation I was told that the wisdom teeth would all have to come out.  Two had erupted and two were still in the gum.  They didn't hurt anymore (they did at first) and I couldn't see them, but they still had to be removed.  This involved going to a surgery center, being put out and days of pain and recuperation and complications with dry socket.

Also there I asked if I could just get braces on the bottom ones, the ones that were crooked.  Was told for it to be effective I would have to have braces on EVERY. SINGLE. TOOTH! This was because the crooked teeth relied on the wires and brackets of the other teeth to work together to be in proper alignment.  And to make such drastic changes in direction, there needed to be much reinforcement and a lot of bracing, brackets, metal and ugh, rubberbands.

The straightening process also required monthly check ins with my orthodontist to make sure my teeth were on the right track.  At these appointments adjustments were made and at times more stretching via smaller rubberbands were incorporated. Often times at the end of these appointments the new adjustments would bring the pain back again.

It didn't take long and they straightened up.  So of course I asked if I could have the braces removed now as they were now visibly straight and not the estimated two years they were saying to leave them on. In response to that the orthodontist showed me my x-rays. He showed me how while my teeth outwardly looked straight, the roots to the teeth were still crooked, as being an adult they had had lots of years to establish strong roots in the wrong location.

When I was finally done with this long process and had the brackets and braces removed, was told that I would still have to have a retainer. I ended up choosing a permanent retainer that was cemented to the back of my teeth.  This way if any changes happened, if the teeth retained any of the "memory" and tried to go back to their former positions, they would always be shored up and stay aligned.

What's my point with all of this?  I can see correlations to each step of the process to making changes in our lives.

First off its easy to think, well I've lived my life this way this long, what's the point of changing now?  Don't give up hope. Don't think it is too late.  Until your last breath, it is never to late for change!

I have some family members that have committed to long term (9-12mths) rehab type settings and while that sounds forever, in the grand scheme of things, it will be great and lasting changes for the rest of their lives.  Much like the two years I thought were forever, looking back it was so short and so worthwhile.  There are often things in our life that the process seems to long, but positive changes, whether made in a moment, a day or even over the course of a year or more, are so worth it.

The removal of the molars, even the ones I can't see remind me of hidden things in our lives, maybe no one else has a clue that they are there, but they are hindering growth and change and until we go through the cutting and removal of these obstacles, nothing else we do will be lasting.  Even if we don't think they are hurting us now, and we know the removal will definitely be painful, this is the basis for all the rest.

As far as just having braces on the bottom, all the teeth have to have braces on them to work together to reach the proper alignment.  In life, with major changes you need every aspect shored up.  Let people come along side you and help shore up these changes.  Most changes require other unexpected changes in conjunction to provide the full, lasting change.  Be willing to be stretched. 

Like the monthly orthodontist appointments, if needed, go to professionals, whether that be doctors or counselors, or both.  Be willing to made adjustments.  Even if they feel like they are temporarily increasing the pain more than they are helping.

It's so easy, at least for me, to make temporary changes and then feel like everything is now fine.  Without realizing that possibly neural pathways in the brain have developed grooves and deep seated behaviors have formed even more deeply established roots.  So while the outside may be looking nice and neat, don't let down your guard or your shoring up in this stage, as the root causes still need time to be removed or reset in the proper locations.  Leave the braces on until your roots are strong and aligned with the new position of the external (the teeth in this case).

And finally, when the obstacles have been removed, you have stayed the course for the duration of bracing and stretching, you showed up for each appointment, you followed the advice given and it's time to be free of all the metal and brackets and rubberbands, there is still one last thing.  The permanent retainer.  What guidelines have you established as the truth in your life?  The non-negotiables? This is cementing your retainer in place.  So that no matter what the other teeth, or people, do around you, no matter what outside obstacles come at you, you will stand firm, stay aligned and straight.  Removable retainers allow you, after time, to slowly no longer feel the need for them, and eventually never use it again.  Take the time, money and effort to make your retainer permanent. Don't give yourself the option to let time allow you to progressively use it less and less until you no longer feel the need for it.  I can't say it enough, cement it in place. I've taken all the above steps before; the pain, the time and the effort, and years down the road found myself right back in the same place. This is incredibly frustrating and discouraging.

To recap -

• remove the deep hidden obstacles
• shore up and bracket all the support areas to the changes you want to make
• ask for help
• use professionals if needed
• don't rush the process
• establish permanent boundaries to ensure long lasting changes. 

Then SMILE!!  Use your new smile to bring joy to those around you.  And if someone asks how you got such a beautiful smile, be willing to share with them how they too can make these changes in their life. 

Hearing God - "Am I Enough?"

So God has been speaking to me all day. But not quite what I wanted to hear. No "you are enough" confirmations, no "I'm going to take away your addictions or desires," no free passes of "I'll overlook your excess spending because it's the lesser of the evils," no "it's ok to go searching for guy validation because you feel bad." No direction, no guidance, no easy buttons. Nope, all He keeps saying is "am I enough?" He isn't focused on if I feel I'm enough. Because we are here to glorify HIM. It isn't about me. Is He all I need? Is He who I turn to? Is He being praised despite feelings or circumstances?

And how do you reconcile that? When you know the right answer is "yes, Lord, you are enough." Yet your flesh is still yelling, no, it's not enough. I want my soup (when Esau had no patience and thought he would die of hunger and was willing to give up his birthright for a bowl of soup - story found in Genesis 25:29-34). I want it now. I don't want patience. I can't always see my right as His daughter and at moments my current needs seem the end all.  When you struggle to see the long term consequences because the short term desires are so in your face they are blocking your view. 

So He continues to whisper, all day into the night, "am I enough now? Am I enough if things don't change? Am I enough even when you can't see beyond the minute by minute trusting?" And while I so badly want to whole heartedly say "yes, You are my all, my enough, my everything" all I can get out is "Dear Lord, I want you to be enough, but I can't do it myself.  Please change my heart, my attitude, my desires. Help me not be short sighted. Help me see the path to life. Help me moment by moment choose that path. Give me your peace, and not let me be satisfied with temporary worldly peace." And then trust that He isn't disappointed in my shortcomings. In my brutal honesty. And that as I choose life that more and more I'll stand solid, firm and anchored and know that He truly is enough. 

Black Dog, White Couch

In Georgia we had a large, beautiful Cape Cod style home, surrounded by three acres of shady wood-lined trails.  The over-sized, overstuffed dark brown, living room furniture set we had went perfect in it.  Then we moved to the beach where I immediately fell in love with the white slip covered style furniture.  But with perfectly fine brown furniture, two kids and a dog, I held off.  Finally this past fall, with the kids being 18 and 20, I thought it was time to get the beach furniture I wanted.  Wasn't too worried about the dog as he doesn't normally shed and I've never seen dog hair on our furniture.

Finally the day came this past fall and I brought home my white sofa and club chair.  Not just any sofa or chair, but Pottery Barn slip covered ones and down-filled cushions and pillows as a bonus.  I then spent hours refinishing the coffee table and end tables in chalk paint colors of antique white and turquoise, completing the beach look I was wanting.  Added the right throw blanket and more down filled decorative seashell pillows and it was perfect.  Until my dog decided it was perfect for him, to curl up on, to run back and forth across the hanging down edge...and leave tiny black hairs all over it.  Black dog hairs?!  On my new stuff, seriously?!  Especially when he is almost 10 years old and never before have I ever seen dog hair on any of our sofas or chairs.  It was then I realized there probably was dog hair on our other furniture, but it was so dark and the type of material it was (suede fabric) that I never even noticed it.  It took the crisp new, white linen to show what was happening all along, and by all along I mean the past 10 years we've had our dog.

So what have I learned from this, other than the obvious of black dogs and white couches don't mix well?  That often in life we don't truly see what is happening.  Surroundings cover it up and we think it doesn't exist, but all along it is there, just hidden.  Because we can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.  How often do we compare things we do to things other people do?  Because our issues blend in so well and aren't always obvious we easily convince ourselves that our issues don't even exist.  It's only when the true clean, white standard of God's Word is put against our issues do they stand out.  I feel like I'm in a similar season of life.  Things I've done for years, just as we've had our dog for years, are coming to light.  And now is the time of choosing.  Do we cover it with a throw blanket or pillows?  Do we try to place it next to something of similar color or actions so it doesn't appear to be so bad after all?  Or is it time to keep the white couch, the white glove test, the God standard, and remove the source of what is causing the imperfections?  One thing, no matter what the choice, you can't go back to the plea of ignorance.  Even if you hide it, blend it in or cover it up, you are now aware, and with awareness comes responsibility.  A choice to do nothing is still a choice.  Choose wisely... and don't buy white furniture if you own a black dog.

30 Day Sugar Free Challenge - Day 14

After my last post about the fuel you put in your body, I started a 30 Day Sugar Free Challenge.  Decided to include alcohol in it as well. Then inadvertently it included caffeine as all my caffeine comes from sugary Starbucks lattes or sodas.  So anyway, here I am 14 days into the challenge.  Doing good, no knowingly cheats.  Have been very careful checking nutrition menus, ingredient lists and labels.  And I feel so much better.

Day 4 was probably the hardest for any cravings, but the challenge I took includes coaching and journaling homework.  Going back through it I realized that most of the cravings are mental.  It sounds good, smells good, I remember the taste, but when I ask myself, "Will eating/drinking this enhance or hurt my life?" it doesn't match up.  And I've learned what foods to substitute and with the re-calibration of my taste buds, I'm truly enjoying the sweetness of things like fruit.  Frozen bananas, frozen strawberries, with a splash of almond milk and unsweetened Greek yogurt all blended together actually makes a pretty good ice cream substitute!

The other thing I've learned so far is that I often turn to mindless food because of boredom or comfort measures (also learning that most mindless junk food and comfort food is some of the most sugar filled foods).  So on my journey to eat more unprocessed foods and find real foods, I'm also learning more about the real and unprocessed me.  Who knew a 30 day sugar free challenge could turn into an opportunity to learn so much about myself? Believe me, suddenly and drastically remove all sugars, alcohol and caffeine from your diet and you will quickly see your real, often irritable, whiny self, surface as it is detoxed from your body.  But here on past the worst of that, here at the half-way point, I'm excited not just about finishing a challenge (and it has been one! sugar is in almost every single thing) but taking the opportunity to do some deeper soul searching and finding the whys behind some of the whats.

What Fuel are You Using?

While I'm not entirely sure where my love of cars came from, I was begging my parents to let me look at cars in the car lots by age 10 and playing with Hot Wheels way before that, I do know my grandpa taught me a lot about them.  He was fanatical about caring for his cars. 

While there were many car care tips, he always said there were two things that were indisputably the two most important things for car care.  One was regular oil changes.  Said the engine would get sludge and changing the oil keeps your engine running clean and longer.  And it isn't good enough to just add the right kind of oil, but the old oil has to come out each time.  Along with a new oil filter.   The second tip was to use good gas.  No chicken gas (an inside family joke) for our vehicles.  Nope, has to be Shell or Exxon preferably.

I currently drive a Miata that says "Premium Recommended, but not Required."  And a Cadillac that does require premium gasoline.  Do I do these things?  Of course!  And why? Because I value the cars and want them to be in top running shape for as long as possible.  I don't sit there at the pump and choose low octane gas due to the cost.  I might complain, but I use the recommended and/or required octanes.

Some of his other tips included keeping your tires balanced and properly inflated.  My STS alerts me if one tire is lower and has digital gauges where I can check the tire pressure.  I do this manually on my Miata.  Why?  Because if one tire isn't holding up it's correct amount of pressure, it will put the whole car off balance and wear out the tires faster.

I also read the manuals or google items to make sure the proper oil, gas and tire pressure is used for each model, as each of our vehicles are different. 

So by now you may be wondering, why the car maintenance lesson?  Glad you asked.  My body has been running sluggish, autoimmune issues flaring and join issues.  I was evaluating what I've eaten lately, and being the holiday season, I've eaten WAY more sugar than I normally do plus add in the early sunsets and my activity level has been lower.  I know I feel better when I eat right, but get lazy in it.  Healthy foods can cost more.  It takes time to prep food.  It takes time to read labels.  Here is where the car care comes into play.  I realized I pay more for better fuel for my car, I'll even go out of my way to find the "right" gas stations.  I take time to do the proper maintenance on them, to make sure the foundation (tires) are all equally supporting the car, to read the articles on how to get the most of your car.  Yet I'm putting junk in my body and not consistently making sure all the pillars (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, etc) for a proper foundation are equally being cared for.  If I do these things for my cars, in the hope they will last 10-20 years, why wouldn't I do it for my body?  That I hope will last 80 years, and that God says is His temple. 

Sometimes we forget the maintenance on our vehicles, and we don't remember until an alert comes on or it runs sluggish or knocking.  It's always better to do preventative maintenance then repairs.  Same with our bodies.  I start feeling better and then let it slide until warning signs go off.  But right now my warning lights are all going off and its time to treat my body at least as well as I treat my vehicles.

10 Tips for the Path to Wellness/Recovery/Wholeness

August 21, 2016

From my time volunteering in Celebrate Recovery, Gwinnett Detention Center, NAMI, at church and now with the AFSP I've been asked what works. While I wish I could say I've always followed my own advice, here are the things I think can make the biggest difference.

1. Remember HALT. If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired then halt (stop) and fix what you can. The more these four are in play the harder triggers will be.

2. Keep a gratitude journal. When in a slump write out the things you are grateful for. In those really rough times you can't think of anything, go back and read what you've written before. 

3. Exercise and get some sunlight. Sometimes it's hard to motivate yourself to get up and do this, but it really does help. Even if it's just a 20 minute stroll with your dog. 

4. Healthy diet. I'm not great at this but at least try to make sure you get in one nutrient packed meal a day that isn't processed or fast food. Try to avoid sodas and sugar filled items. 

5. Vitamins, supplements and meds. This is different for everyone but pretty much everyone can benefit from a good multi-vitamin, B-complex and fish oil. If you are prescribed other things, take them. And don't "borrow" other people's medications. 

6. Find people to support you, keep you accountable and encourage you. When you get to where you think you don't need anyone or any accountability and can handle it yourself, that is one of the most dangerous places you can actually be. Don't be afraid to reach out for help if you need it. 

7. Consistent sleep schedule. Found out this is crucial for my own personal well being. Google sleep hygiene for more details. 

8. Worship music. Nothing like this to help move focus off your self. Headphones at night are great when you can't sleep due to racing thoughts or anxiety. 

9. Volunteer! Help others. It gives you purpose, helps them, and makes you realize you aren't on this journey alone. 

10. Remember that God is always with you. There are times when you might want to punch someone for spouting off a Bible verse, but when you are in a place where you can focus, God's Word is the only true source of life and strength!

I hope that at least one thing off this list will help someone else on their journey to wellness and wholeness.

Judgement and Grace

August 19, 2016

Four very drunk, totally naked women (around my age), drinking vodka and orange juice and being loud in one of my community pools, belligerently refusing to get dressed or leave is how I started my day at 7:30 this morning.

Honestly now...one of your first thoughts is what is wrong with those women, or some other judgemental thought. Am I right? I know it was mine, right up there with seriously, this is how my Friday is going to be?!

Then God started whispering to me, what are you judging them over? 

Me: um, first off they are drinking and drunk way too early in the morning 

God: and who gets to determine that being drunk early is way worse than being drunk at night? 

Me: ouch. Ok, so they are naked and acting inappropriately. 

God: and you have never done that? Maybe not the naked part, but have you ever lost your inhibitions and acted inappropriately?

Me: wellll, this one time... but they broke the pool rules, the pool doesn't open until 8. 

God: I seem to remember you and a guy getting busted for breaking into a community pool after hours one time. 

Me: that was a long time ago 


God: and? 

Me: ... Dear God, please forgive my judgemental attitude. Thank you for showing me that they just need You. Give me grace and wisdom in dealing with these kinds of situations (and thank you for our wonderful local cops). And for reminding me of all that You have forgiven me. Help me focus on becoming more like You, and to use Your Word as my standard. Not focusing on others or using them to measure whether or not my moral compass is correct.

Our Anchor

This year I started a devotional book called Unpack Your Heart.  Though only three weeks into the new year and this devotional, I highly recommend doing it.

The lesson this week is called Soul Room and the memory verse is Hebrews 6:19-20 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.  He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."

In this lesson, which I'm only on day two, she talks about our soul being a room, that without Jesus is dead and lifeless, but with Him, it is alive and life-giving.  Day two's lesson asked "What difference does Jesus make in your soul with His presence?"  My answer is "Brings in the light, fresh air.  Mold can't grow in His presence (the previous day asked what our soul is like without Jesus, to which I replied black moldy, with isolating darkness spreading the mold). A newness, cleansing.  A willingness to keep going, press on.  A hope.  An anchor. Restoration."

Which brings me back to the title and the verse...an anchor, our anchor.

Making soul decisions without letting Jesus be in the center does lead us to death and lifelessness.  And as I'm sure we all have, some decisions I made were soul affecting decisions, without Christ.  Along this journey I keep saying I'm asking God and the Holy Spirit to lead me ONE step at a time.  I know I can't handle more than one at a time. Some of the steps have been small and easy, and some hard, difficult and takes me a while to take it.  Back in September I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit telling me I needed to make some things right with my husband.  I didn't know how to even take that step, but haltingly and stumbling I attempted.  And it turned out horribly.  He asked me to give him some space and leave the house.  I was too numb to think and did leave that night.  But my emotions were in such a turmoil in the next couple of days that all I could think is I can't handle this, RUN.  So run I did.  Hopped in my car, gassed up and just headed out.  Made it only as far as Pensacola.  And there ended up on the pier.  Caught up in a storm, and knowing it was of my own making, made it even worse.  There was no one else to blame, no one else at fault.  Just me and my choices.  I spent a couple of hours leaning over the railing, looking in to the water, watching the waves dash onto the pilings.  And wondering what was next.  Eventually I needed something to drink and went back into the store on the pier and a bracelet caught my attention.  It was leather with a pendant, and carved into the pendant was an anchor.  I immediately thought of the memory verse for this week, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." I bought it, put it on and went back out to the end of the pier.  I stayed out there all day, watched the sun set and as the waves of self doubt, and despair would roll over me, I kept looking at the anchor.  Putting my trust in God.  Knowing that while I caused the storm, I was also following His promptings in trying to make it right.  And that no matter what happened, I had hope, an anchor, if not for my how I may want my life to play out, at least for my soul.  Even after leaving the pier I wondered around quite a bit that night, being blown all about in the storm of my own making.  Barely able to think or function clearly, yet all the while hanging on to the promise of the anchor.  At one point I remember not being able to think or say anything but mumble over and over, "its ok, I have an anchor, its ok, I have an anchor."  And God, in His loving kindness, sent me some people via text messages helping to be that anchor that night and for my ship to safely get home.

That particular storm has passed, and as in many storms, we (my husband and I) are both closer and stronger from having survived it.

But this is life, and storms continue to come.  Some large, some small.  From December 30-January 6 my daughter was battling some mental storms for her own life and was away from us in a safe place that was her anchor for that week.  Right on the heels of that I got very sick on January 7, then spent January 8-17 (today) pretty much in bed, unable to do much of anything else.  But again, I HAVE this HOPE, this ANCHOR, for my soul.  And it is FIRM and SECURE, despite the size of the storms.  God taught me so much this past week of not being able to do anything on my own.  I learned to be still, I learned to listen, I learned I can't fix everything (I have to learn this lesson a lot unfortunately as I tend to keep forgetting it).

The day I was to get her from the facility was one of the "visualization" days in the study.  I had to get her alone, and I frankly was full of anxiety at doing so.  Lots of triggers for me in that process.  And in that "Chosen" lesson Jesus came to me (I didn't go to Him in my vision, as I felt unimportant, my problem wasn't big enough, he was too busy, others needed him more) but He came to ME.  And told me I wouldn't be making that long drive alone.  He would be with me.  He would be my anchor.  At one point while picking her up, I was in a locked tiny room alone, with just one window, covered in bars.  A waiting room of sorts.  And as the anxiety started rolling over me, I heard Him.  "I'm still here with you, higher than the highest mountain, deeper than the deepest sea.  There is no where you can go, that I can't be with you."  With that I felt His peace, stilling the waves of anxiety that threatened to overtake me.  What is cool is that the next day a friend, not knowing all those details, gave me a poster painting of Jesus on a ship calming the storm.

This past week the "visualization" day of the study I was still home in bed, sick.  The topic was "Busy In a Tree" and about rest.  I was fretting over not being able to do anything and missing so much work.  Again, in my vision, I turned and there was Jesus, in jeans and barefoot, sitting cross legged on my bed.  He told me he knew I was hurting and sick, and as he said this, he turned ever so slightly, just enough for me to see the scars on His back from being whipped.  He told me that it is by His stripes I'm healed, not by my frantic efforts to "fix" things or speed up healing.  And the devotional speaker had referred to "racing thoughts" and pent up energy.  Jesus reminded me that us humans all tend to have that same tendency, and that He created me as I am.  Not to have labels, but to take those racing thoughts when they come and bring them to Him.  To cast my cares on Him.  That peace doesn't come from pills, serenity doesn't come from syringes and anxiety isn't drowned in alcohol. That He is my cure.  The only One that can truly make me whole.  And to take the rest of the time I was sick to rest, strengthen and grow.

As I mentioned earlier, part of that resting included listening.  Some of that was listening to my daughter.  Not talking AT her, or even to her.  But listening, not just to her words, but to her heart, as she opened up and shared with me.  She and I cried with each other, for each other, held each other and bonded in a way we haven't in a very long time.

So I continue on this journey, step by step, through the calm and through the storms.  Knowing that whatever comes my way, that my soul will be firm and secure, as long as I keep my hope in Him as my anchor.

Star Wars: Rey & The Force

Star Wars: The Force Awakens opened in theaters this weekend and we went and watched it in 3D.  It was great, but one scene especially gave me chills and resonated deep within me.  Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie yet and don't want to read spoilers.

In the scenes prior Rey admits that she thought that Luke, Jedis and the Force were all myths. When she met Hans, she was told that no, it wasn't a myth but real.  Later Rey was captured by Kylo, who had gone to the Dark Side. He had her chained up and was trying to get in her mind and she was resisting.  Instead she realized that she could get in HIS mind. And told him that he was afraid.  This angers him and he leaves her chained by her wrists and ankles and guarded by a Stormtrooper.  She realizes that the Force is REAL, and IN her.  Rey, in a step of faith, tries out her new found knowledge and, in a voice barely louder than a whisper, tells the Stormtrooper "You will release me, leave the room and leave the door open."  She gets braver and says it again, louder.  The Stormtrooper hears and answers "I will not release you." She says it again, even louder.  He walks over to her and in a mocking voice replies, "you are nothing but scavenger scum."  She gets quiet for moment, you can almost feel her inner turmoil.  But then you can see it in her eyes, as she sets her resolve that the Force is real and she has the power within her.  She loudly exclaims, "You will release me" and the Stormtrooper replies, "I will release you" and proceeds to do all she commands.

This is when I started to wonder if I was in the movie theater or in church!  So many of us go through life hearing stories of miracles done by using the Force (Holy Spirit).  But so many think it is just old stories, passed down through the generations, just a myth.  Someone comes along and shares with us their personal story (Hans Solo) and by their testimony shares that it isn't a myth, but that the Force is real.  Satan (Kylo) can capture us in battle, chain us up and try to get in our head.  But with the Belt of Truth and Helmet of Salvation, activated by the Force within us we can resist.  As Rey resisted Kylo getting in her head but instead told Kylo what he was scared of, we also know that Satan is afraid because he knows how the story ends.  Knowing that truth didn't set Rey completely free though.  She was still bound and still guarded by her demons, the Stormtrooper.  She didn't give up and accept her bondage.  She gathered the strength of the Force within her and fought the only way she could while being bound, with her words.  She spoke, outloud, telling him what he would do.  Even when he told her no, then proceeded to mock her, telling her she was a nobody and worthless and he would never set her free, she didn't give up. She paused, but pressed on. Continuing to speak, more boldy, the truth of her freedom. To speak of those things that don't yet exist, as though they do. Much like Abraham did in Romans 4:17 "in the presence of Him whom he believed—God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did." The end result was the Force grew stronger with her faith and she was released from her chains.  Kylo was extremely upset over this and sent a lot of troopers to go find her, because he knew that as she realized the power of the Force in her, she would get stronger and could eventually defeat them completely.  And later in the movie she did have a fierce battle with Kylo.  Backward, forward, slashing and fighting. Much like in our life, we can speak the truth, break the bonds but that doesn't exempt us from the fight.

And even after winning the fierce battle, she know there are more battles to come, so goes and seeks a Jedi (Luke) that has the Force strong within him and many years of experience and can train/mentor her so that the Force becomes stronger in her on her own journey. 

Much like Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend." And 2 Timothy 2:2 "What you have heard me say in front of many people, you must teach to faithful men. Then they will be able to teach others also." Proverbs 9:9 "Instruct the wise, and they will be even wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn even more."

Another scene that resonated within me was the love of Hans Solo for his son, despite the choices his son made, Hans loved him with an unfailing love.  Much like the love of our Heavenly Father.  

If you like Star Wars, even if its just a tiny bit, you should watch this movie and see what allegories you notice while watching it.

Sometimes sermons come from the most unexpected places....

Never Give Up!

Tightly hugging myself to try to stop the uncontrollable shivering and shaking, I stared across the desk in the windowless bare room.  The person on the other side of the desk was shooting rapid fire questions at me in a flat tone of voice as she noted my answers on the writing pad in front of her.  The majority of my thoughts centered on how she was trying to trick me during this interrogation.  Yet, in the back of my mind I knew where I was, and why.  But how?  How did I end up here? 

The where on that Friday evening almost five years ago was the intake area of a private, mental hospital.  The why was to get help, help because I knew I was in a situation I couldn’t fix myself.  I was manic, anxious, paranoid and battling psychosis.  The how is what I was struggling to grasp.  I was a wife, a mom, a Girl Scout leader, on staff at a church, I preached in a women’s prison (a prison featured on a cable TV show for some of the rough inmates) and volunteered in many community activities.  Part of me thought those things would exempt me from something like this.  I shouldn’t be here; people like me don’t belong in places like this.  Yet, I was here, and I was admitted to the inpatient locked ward.

As the oldest of eight children I was always very independent.  I was also adventure loving.  Unfortunately, I also had somehow gotten who I was, mixed up with what I did.  And since I based who I was on what I did, I did lots.  I went to missionary training school and worked in a church.  I was self-sufficient and confident in what I was doing.  Though during my teen years I noticed a pattern of what everyone around me called “adrenaline junkie” behaviors then times of deep depression.  I managed to mask the depression, though I wrote out my first will at age 19 because I truly believed I would die young.  I knew this wasn’t “normal” and as it got worse, I tried harder to hide it.  Eventually the inner turmoil was too hard to hide and I turned to substances to self-medicate.  That went on for many years until I realized that they were beginning to control me instead of me using them to control myself.  During this time I also ended up in the ER from an overdose.  My husband and I were having issues and I thought my children and everyone I knew would be better off without me.  But mostly I just wanted to sleep, sleep until it all went away.  No matter how long that type of sleep took.  There was a second incident as well, but it didn’t result in medical assistance.  I still didn’t realize there was a mental health issue, instead thinking that it was probably from the substance use.  I joined Celebrate Recovery to make those changes.  But without self-medicating the original issues resurfaced, even more so.  After some doctor visits I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and started on the long road of finding the right medication mix and steps to stability.  These steps include talk therapy, dietary changes, sleep changes, mood tracking, exercise and education.

One of the most difficult parts is the stigma.  Much of it was self-induced stigma and having to realize that I am not a label or a diagnosis.  And stigma is not only what people think, but what they say.  Christians who wouldn’t think to tell someone with a broken arm not to use a cast, had no problems saying someone with a mental disorder should stop medications and rely on faith.  There is still a big disconnect with mental issues and the faith connection.  I later went abruptly off my medications and three years after the initial diagnosis is where this story began, in the intake room of the hospital.  There I was diagnosed with not only bipolar 1, rapid cycling, with psychosis but also a soft diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.  My time in there was of much self-evaluation and beginning to realize that my worth wasn’t based on what I do, or don’t do.  Though I watched people being abandoned by those that they thought loved them.  I became fearful that my husband wouldn’t be able to accept the “new” me when I was released.  But instead he showered me with love and proved that he would be there for me during my recovery.

Knowing how self-reliant I tend to be, I now consider this to be my “thorn in the flesh” that keeps me dependent on the Lord.   When I start to take on too much or feel like “I got this” it reminds me that I am only where I am today because of Jesus Christ, my Savior, my Healer and my Redeemer.

Today I’m enjoying my third year of being in what is considered remission.  We had a new start and moved to a new state, new friends, new church, and new career.  Last year my teenage daughter started dealing with mental health issues of her own and during that time I realized how alone I felt as a parent dealing with this.  I wasn’t sure who to talk to or where to turn.  After reading Amy Simpson’s book, Troubled Minds: Mental Illness and the Church’s Mission, and realizing that with one in four people being diagnosed with a mental illness I was far from alone, so I went to our church to discuss the need for a support group for those affected by mental illness.  I was given the go ahead and now help facilitate a support group for anyone affected by mental illness, whether themselves, a friend or family member.

The verses that I most rely on are:

Deuteronomy 30:19 (NLT), "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”  This verse reminds me no matter what is happening, that I have a choice to make, and by choosing life, my descendants might live and I will receive blessings.

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV), “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  The anxiety and fear are not from God.  This reminds me when I’m fearful to call out to Christ to cover me in the spirit of power, love and a sound mind.

2 Timothy 4:7 (KJV), “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”  This reminds me to never give up, to finish the course of life that God has given me and to keep my faith, no matter what my feelings may be trying to tell me.  When I stand before my Creator I want Him to greet me with, “Congratulations, you finished the course I set before you.”

A huge part of me wants to hide this part of my past.  I’m in a career that I like and not sure how a disclosure might affect it.  I have friends that I don’t know how they will react.  I’m enjoying the stability of remission.  Why rock the boat?  Why expose this part of me?  Why risk it?  The bigger question though is why not?  God has blessed me and when the media only exposes the worst case scenarios of mental illness, people feel stigma and shame.  Shame is different than guilt and is not from God.  Writing this is my way to renounce the shame and help reduce the stigma.  You are not alone and a diagnosis is not WHO you are and it is not the end of your life.  Psalm 30:5 (KJV), “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

Please don’t hide alone, fearful and scared to reach out for help.  You are loved by your Creator, the Comforter, and there are people who understand and can help. 

 

Burn Prevention

Friday night before my yoga class I sat in the dry sauna for a bit.  It's typically pretty hot, like nearly take away your breath hot.  But this time it had been turned up to the hottest level possible.  It burnt my nose just to breathe, and I ended up getting a cup of water to sip on.  The edge of the paper cup was super hot to the touch, but that water, each little sip, was so cool and refreshing. 

I couldn't help but think of the Bible story about Lazarus and the rich man. (Read the whole story HERE, Luke 16:19-31) There is a lot more to the story, but the part that stood out was this one verse. Luke 16:24 ‘Father Abraham, have some pity! Send Lazarus over here to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue. I am in anguish in these flames.’  Just in the 10 minutes or so I was sitting in the sauna I was grateful for the multiple sips of water.  And that was just a hot sauna, not sitting in fire. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  It was a beautiful spring day.  The first day we were able to get the kayak out on the water, put on swimsuits and enjoy the beach, boating and sun.  It wasn't super hot and I really wasn't thinking about sunscreen.  I am outside a lot and was ok, EXCEPT the tops of my shoulders.  They haven't seen sunlight since early fall.  And they fried, as in bright red, look like a lobster, hurt, no doubt will peel, kind of burn.  The kind that woke me up every time I rolled over last night.  And it was a halter type swimsuit, which meant all day my shirt has rubbed on it.  I couldn't believe I had burned my shoulder tops that badly when the rest of me just turned brown.  They were so burnt I posted a pic on facebook.  And wow!  So many of my friends either told me how not to get burnt next time (sunscreen and yes, I should have used it) or told me what to do to relieve the burn (multiple remedies of which I'm trying most). 

Friday night's sauna episode had all but been forgotten by this point. But this brought it back to mind as well as thinking about what hell would be like.  Being that I have probably the most random thoughts you could think of, I thought about the effort and time that my friends took to post to prevent and help my burn.  It made me feel cared for and loved.  But its just a sunburn, and just on my shoulders. 

What about those we know that don't know Christ?  Do we ever take the time to share with them the good news that though we are in a sin filled world, and though we are all sinners doomed to eternal death in a lake of fire, that Christ has died to pay that payment?  (For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16)  Our redeemer, our Savior, and if I might be so bold, our SONscreen.  Of course He is more than just "fire insurance," but rarely do I ever hear anyone mention the word hell anymore.  We all want to be "good."  So many think that "Christian" and "good person" are the one and the same.  And even when we know they aren't, we use the words interchangeably.  For example, not long ago I was trying to help someone find a job and the comment back was that I'm such a good Christian person.  At that point this person really didn't know me at all.  Just because I'm a nice person doesn't mean I'm a Christian person (I AM a Christian, but not because I'm nice or helpful or good).  Hell isn't pleasant to talk about.  It isn't politically correct.  We don't want to feel like our friends think we are judging them.  Believe me, I totally get this.  But we have GOT to quit thinking and worrying about others thinking that.  None of my friends that posted was worried that I would think they were judging me because they were sharing with me ways to prevent sunburn and offering to share sunscreen.  And isn't a life spent in hell for eternity much, much worse than a sunburn?

Matthew 7:13 “You can enter God's Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way."

God, please give me the boldness to point out the narrow gate, the way of life, to those I am around and meet.  Give me the words to say that guide, not turn away.  That show love and grace, not judgment.  Help me in my own daily walk to stay on the path of life.  To remember today and this life are quickly over, but heaven and hell are forever.  To not live in fear of hell, but to walk humbly in grace and gratitude that You have made a way of escape.  To be as willing to share with others the things that will effect their eternity, as I am to share the things that are fleeting.  Amen.

Let it Go, let it Go!

Ok, first off I have to admit I've never seen the movie Frozen.  But you'd have to be hiding under a rock with no children in a 1,000 mile radius not to have heard the song.  I have let life and the drama and stress it brings push me to all "go" and no "no."  Sometimes we just have to let things go.  Before Frozen came out we had AA give us the phrase "It is what it is" as well as having the Serenity Prayer to remind us to let things go that we can't control.

I was challenged by a friend today to write.  And write I will.  To let it go, it's gotta come out.  So unlike most of my blog posts, there is no rhyme or reason to this one.  Just a process of letting it out and letting it go.  So Crystal, this is for you! ;)

I first started feeling very tired in March of 2014.  I went to a doctor for blood work and my cortisol levels came back very high, which indicates high stress.  I got the results the day before I left for my Granddaddy Amos' funeral, my second grandparent funeral of 2014, would end up with my last and final grandparent dying before the end of 2014.  I asked the doctor what to do and he said "take deep breaths."  Seriously, that's it?!  I left literally shaking and upset and not sure what to do next.  But I'm a person who in crisis step up to the plate, deal with it and afterward fall apart.  Which may be exactly what is happening right now.  Because ALL of 2014 was one big crisis.    The highlights include three grandparents dying, my daughter running away, bouts of her being in the hospital and a group home, lots of doctor visits for her, massive medical bills, a job promotion to manager, to a position where I was the third manager in 15 months (the others quit if that tells you anything about the stress levels of the job). Our rent went up twice, our truck broke down a couple of times, once leaving us stranded on the side of the road on Christmas Eve with all of our presents in the back of it.  My son, a senior in high school, found out not all his credits from Georgia transferred, so he has more classes to do next year.  His senior photos are all in a nice neat package in my nightstand now awaiting a hopeful "5th year senior" status and graduation.  To say I was looking forward to 2014 to end is an understatement of great proportion. 

I did start taking yoga, pilates, walking much more (lots of walking in my new job position too) and limiting the nights I would bring my work laptop home to do work at night and weekends.  I also started taking all kinds of herbs, vitamin and even cannabis oil drops (the CBD part that has the medicinal properties in it, not the THS part)

Thank you 2015!!  Was looking forward to a much better year. The year I turn 40, the year that you supposedly are the ultimate combination of settled in, have a decent job, have learned from past mistakes and are still healthy enough to enjoy the wisdom you've finally acquired.  Only it hasn't worked out quite that way.

In mid December I got strep throat.  Then another infection.  By January had the flu and now fighting a head and chest cold.  All this interspersed with extreme bone pain, intermittent debilitating fatigue and brain fog.  Went back to a new doctor for more tests.  Still in the middle of that one.  But at least this doctor is looking for answers, not just telling me to go chill.  And while I have in black and white, numbers that show things are not right, I also know that long-term stress can reek havoc on your body.

I've also learned that even good stress can be stress.  Good stress would be things like getting a small group at church started for people affected by mental illness (aimed mainly at parents, but open to anyone, family or friend affected), working on the greeting team, attending my Walk, Water, Word small group and an 8-week marriage workshop my husband and I are attending.  Good stress could also include the Book Club I'm in, with books I love to read and people I love to be around, but still its another source of a deadline and another to-do item on my list.

The fatigue has gotten worse and today I ended up home by 11 am.  It gave me quite a bit of time today to really reflect on some things.  Having to come home stressed me.  Stopped to think, why would taking a day off work stress me out even more?  And it hit me that I let what I "do" dictate my self worth.  Not what I do as in what career I have, but in literally what I do.  What if I can't clean or cook for my family, what if I can't work and bring home an income, would I be less of a person?  Would I still matter? 

I also have to wonder how much of this could be a spiritual attack?  My husband and I are taking our marriage workshop seriously and truly working on behaviors, attitudes and actions.  I'm helping lead a small group and have been open (though somewhat subtle) in my office about my beliefs, displaying Bible verses and such in my office.  I think of Job and wonder about what all he thought about as his children, home and health were taken.  I wonder if I've done something wrong, but then I also wonder if how I react and respond isn't a way to be a testimony to the power of prayer and having God in my life.

So while I still wait to see if/what is wrong, I'm learning a new concept.  "Be Still"  I never have been able to do that.  One other time I got to an overwhelming state and it affected me more mentally and I ended up in the hospital, forced to be still.  But here I am, running full force again.  Why, oh why, do I have to have extremes to get my attention??!  So for now, I will rest, albeit forced, rest is happening.  Sweet time to pray, evaluate where I'm at, where I want to be and realize that all of life is by grace, not by works. 

And as far as the song "Let it Go," well God had that one covered long before Disney!!

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin."  Matthew 6:28

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?"  Luke 12:25

"See, the Lord your God has given you the land. Go up and take possession of it as the Lord, the God of your ancestors, told you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deut. 1:21

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account." Ecclesiastes 3

And if you come to my house, please just ignore the dust bunnies, I've learned that they won't bite or kill you! ;)