Step by Step

The last five months or so, while a lot of fun in many ways, has also felt like a spiritual downward spiral. It seemed the more I tried to mold my outward actions to be what I thought a "Christian" life should look like, the more I seemed to fail.  To the point where I was ready to throw my hands up and just give up.  And I did in many ways, including my church involvement dropping to barely existent.  My Bible actually had to be dusted off, you could've written "read me" in the dust on it.

As I participated in more activities, that at one point would have bothered me, I realized I didn't feel entirely guilty or too bad about it.  It became easier and easier to excuse behaviors.  Just look around, compared to a lot of people I'm a pretty good person, I like to help people, am very loving and a dedicated, driven employee.  My family - kids and husband, and even dog, are very important to me.

But still, there would be those days I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and know that I wasn't living the full life that is available.  Oh, it looked full, tons of activities, making friends in the area, gaining state licensing in my field of work, weekends laying out and drinking at the pool or beach, cruising around in the convertible I bought in April, kayaking and biking...yes, full as in busy, but something still felt empty, fleeting.

The last week or so has brought many inward changes.  I don't know the exact catalyst, but part of it was reading the book Captivating. It made me realize that many things I was craving, being pursued and romanced as well as the desire for adventure is a God-given drive and desire.  But we women have that drive in order to turn to the One who is the ultimate one who wants to captivate our adoration and fulfill that craving.  From the book, "God has written the Romance not only on our hearts but all over the world around us.  What we need is for him to open our eyes, to open our ears that we might recognize his voice calling to us, see his hand wooing us int he beauty that quickens our hearts."  Living here at the beach, there is no doubt that I am surrounded by beauty, God painting incredible sunrises and sunsets, emerald waves and white sands.  Hard to explain what it was about this book, other then the realization that God doesn't just want me "saved" and going to heaven one day, but He wants to romance me and to become the center of my life. He is calling out to me.

Gradually it dawned on me that I'm going about it all the wrong way.  I'm trying, and failing, to "clean" up my act. But God doesn't want my works, He wants my heart.  I told Him that I can't handle trying to see the big picture and what I "think" He wants my life to look like, but I want Him to fulfill the longings that nothing else seems to fill.  I want to please Him.  But in my prayer I asked that He just show me one step at a time, just as they say in the AA slogan, "one day at a time."  The first thing that He brought to my attention was my recent consumption of romance books, and we aren't talking lovey-dovey romance, I believe Amazon had them classified as "erotic reading." These books were not only distorting my view of romance and true love, but desensitizing my conscience.  The hard part was that I had just bought a couple of new books with my Christmas gift card and was right in the middle of reading them.  Maybe I would finish it, then click delete.  But no, He didn't say finish them then delete.  Just simply DELETE. So I did.  Being an avid reader I knew that I would need some new reading material.  I downloaded one book titled Soul Detox (that book deserves its very own blog entry, which I hope to do over the weekend) but then for New Year's Beth Moore made an announcement that she was GIVING away some of her books on Kindle.  So God, in His love, through her offer, gave me books to replace those which I had deleted.

I also am very independent.  You know how people say, "beware of what you pray for?" They are right!  In this process of growth and being wooed by God I prayed that He would teach me to rely more on Him and not have this constant attitude of "I got this" that is a persistent attitude with me.  You KNOW how God can answer those kind of prayers!  Within two days I had my hand X-rayed, told my wrist was broken and my wrist and arm put in a splint and sling.  Umm, that is NOT what I meant when I prayed that.  But it definitely made me realize I am not entirely self-reliant. Thankfully, on Monday I went to the orthopedic specialist and was told it is a torn ligament, not broken bone.  So while it will take a while to heal, I don't have it immobilized in a sling!

The other struggle I've had is with making new friendships.  I need people in my life, I crave relationships with people.  I'm a very, very people person.  A year later I'm still missing my friends from Georgia and most of the friends I've made here are coworkers, which are not conducive to deep relationships, or just not overall healthy friendships.  While I know that no person can be all that I need and part of that desire for a deep relationship is a desire God created so that I turn to him for those deep needs, I still prayed for friends to come alongside me, to pray with me and to encourage me.  And just as He gave me some new books to substitute those I had deleted, He brought along two situations this past week where I was able to sit down, face to face, with someone and just be encouraged. Isn't God so good? Always providing what we need, when we need it and when we are ready and open for it.  Sometimes I wonder why it takes so long for something to come around, but timing is everything.  Had some of what was discussed in these two conversations come up just a couple of months ago, my responses would have likely been totally different.  I'm sure I would have been much more cocky for one thing.  But God softened my heart this past week and I was open and willing to hear what He had to say through these two women. 

My prayer for this new year is that my focus switches from cleaning up the outside to cleaning up my inside.  And again, it isn't just willpower or what changes I think need to be made.  I'm asking God to show me, one step at a time, the changes He wants me to make, step by step, drawing closer to Him.  I hope to use this blog through out this year to share with you the steps that He shows me as I travel this journey of life.

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.  Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out. (italics mine) Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."  Romans 12:1,2 The Message