A Calling?

When I was 9 years old I heard a missionary speak at church and felt God was calling me to the mission field, at that point I was thinking Peru, as he was a missionary to Peru and had a great slide show that just captivated me.

After graduating from college I went on to New Tribes Bible Institute (Waukesha, WI) in pursuit of missions training.  During that time frame I spent a summer living in Papua New Guinea hands on learning how to do missions (including language acquisition, cultural studies, etc), and went on a missions trip to Spain and another couple of weeks in Honduras working in an orphanage.  While at NTBI my fiance broke up with me, amongst several other things.  Felt like I had spent my whole life (yeah, all 20 years..lol..but at that time it felt like forever) trying to serve God but my life was not working out like I wanted it to.  So decided it was time to live life however I wanted to do it. And I did just that.  Enter about a decade of me living mostly for me (and for my two children who I thank God for as I know they kept me going).

But even through everything I kept getting pulled back toward feeling I was being called to some kind of Christian vocation.  I didn't really change a lot of how I was living, but I did start working at a church.  Felt like that must be the fulfillment of my childhood "calling."  Spent almost 12 years on church staff (two different churches) and in that time frame also did multiple volunteer things, such as lead a Celebrate Recovery group (12-step study and small group facilitator), occasionally taught in my adult Sunday School class, led a few small group Bible studies, went into the prison preaching to women once a month, and volunteered with Project Adam (local men's recovery home).  All these were good things, but eventually burnt out.  And several things in my personal/family life were falling apart.  Ron moved to Florida and a few months later I left my dual position in Publications and as Student/Children's Ministry Assistant at a church to follow him.  Started my first full time secular job in over a decade.  Once again felt like whatever that "calling" was must have just been a childhood fantasy.  I mean what kid doesn't have crazy dreams, how many kids answer doctor, firefighter, astronaut, etc when asked what they want to be?  And how many actually become that?

We moved to the beach, the beach is always where we left the "real" world behind and partied and had fun.  Now it was our new way of life.  No one knew me, knew our family.  No expectations to have to live up to as a church staff member, small group leader, recovery/prison volunteer.  That lack of accountability wasn't too good for me.

Long story short, spent one year down here just living the beach life, and all that comes with whatever that means.  And then the whole past year has been a journey.  A much longer one than I had anticipated, but forward motion none the less. During this year God has brought a wonderful group of ladies into my life, our "condo mates" group.  The six of us went to a retreat together last February (2014) and we all were roommates in the same condo.  Only one I knew pretty well, and two I had never met.  This has been a great experience and much work of ironing sharpening iron as we have grown closer and shared struggles and victories and lots of just plain ole good, clean fun.  Expanded from just fun times to team challenges like a 5K Mud Run to meeting weekly studying The Holy Spirit (by John Bevere).

And now I keep hearing "calling" over and over, inwardly and from external sources.  Was talking to someone and told them I felt like Jonah who ran from his calling, spent time in the darkness of the belly of the whale, then was thrown up onto the shore.  Feeling like a "washed up/has been." But as I was relaying that to her, it dawned on me...  Despite the muck covering Jonah, despite him running in the complete opposite direction God told him to go, despite spending time in the utter darkness and in the deep abyss of the sea, God never took away his calling.  Here he was on the shore, all stinky and just emerging back into the light.  Yet God never said, "forget it Jonah, I have more capable people, you ruined your shot, you aren't good for anything else but to be put on the shelf as an example of what not to do."  Nope, his calling was still there and he still had a mission from God to do.

On our way to the Florida Keys the first week of August I felt God telling me, you have a new career, and its a good career.  It was given to you for a purpose, but don't forget, its just a career, it is not your calling.  Since then I've gotten more and more comments or just things happening to confirm a shift or change coming.  Things that I feel God telling me that needs to be changed in my life so that He can reveal what's next.  I have no idea what the next it, and quite frankly it scares me.  Today we had a guest speaker and he was saying that at his church and from their view point the age 40 is the change, the change from living for yourself to taking the knowledge you've learned and using your life for others.  I'll be 40 in five months.  Then he was talking about calling on our lives too (not the main part of his sermon, just a blip, but one that definitely caught my attention). 

There is no nice neat wrapped up ending to this post.  I don't know what is next, I'm not even really sure of what direction God is trying to point me or His time frame.  But I do know I strongly feel I'm coming up to a transition period.  I don't know how that will tie in and work with my new job position, as I LOVE my new job as a community association manager and maybe that new position is a part of the plan.  Mainly I wanted to note this time in my life, so that one day I can look back and see where this part of my journey started and be able to look back and see how far God has brought me.