Recently my alanon sponsor told me “figure it out” is not a step. The thing is, I’m stubborn. Inside I’m like a todddler stomping its feet, angry, screaming “no, ME do it!” Even though doing it all my way results in failure more often than not.
The sad part is that this often affects my spiritual life too. Hey Mr Jesus Dude, thanks for dying on the cross so we can have eternal life. Couldn’t do that myself. But this, this issue, this problem, this concern, this person, you can back off, I got it. Then on occasion as my juggling act threatens to come tumbling down I may be like, hey, I need a quick hand for a sec. Whooo, thanks, that was a close one. Got the plates all back spinning and balanced again. Stored your number under favs. Will shout if I need you later. Chill, see ya around.
Ok, so I know that sounds trite and disrespectful. But if that is my actions, then that’s about how stupid and silly it really is. And sad. And dishonoring. And downright foolish.
Today’s sermon was thought provoking. Not in a that’s a great sermon, elequent, bravo, cute little golf clap way. But in a way that requires action. Now that action could be to ignore it, but let’s get real, ignoring is still an action. It was about the Holy Spirit. Not in one of those creepy fall over the pew sort of ways. But in a way that reminds us that we NEED him in our life. That he is our source of power and strength. We may get pretty far along just white knuckling it. But it won’t go the distance. And it’s sure not an enjoyable way to live. So went forward after the sermon for prayer. But this isn’t something that someone else can pray and ask for you. It has to be personal. And like was said in the sermon, it has to be requested.
I’ve felt all week like I was at some sort of crossroads. Where I have to decide my will or Yours. My control or His. The choice is mine. Completely and totally. No pressure, no forcing. Just this nudging. This knowledge that my way isn’t cutting it. And that to succeed I have to be willing to let go of control. All control, not just the parts I “felt” were out of control. No matter how counter intuitive that sounds or feels. It also means fully trusting Him. From someone who has a hard time with trust. So this afternoon I went to the cross. Literally. We have a cross at a Catholic Church a block from our house. I got on my knees, I let go of my control, I poured out my hurts, my frustrations, my failures. I asked for His Spirit to guide me. To help me trust completely and wholly in His Sovereignty. To lead, and for strength to continue to let him guide. Because I know that stubborn self is just waiting to start kicking and screaming for what it wants. I know it will be a daily surrender. A daily choice to hand over my will and my desires. But my way wasn’t working, no matter how much I tried to believe it was enough. Didn’t matter if my way included being good, nice, helping others, leading, quiet time, church involvement, community service, etc.
No rushing winds came by, no claps of thunder, no flames of fire. No overly emotional breakdowns. Does that means nothing happened? Nope, for me I think God wants me to act on trust, not feelings. Feelings come and go, emotions come and go. So to have that as a sign that I have the Spirit of God in me could cause me to later think I don’t anymore, if my feelings later changed. What did happen is I felt at peace, a calm. A knowing that I don’t have it all together. I don’t have full control. I don’t have it all figured out. And I’ll probably have moments of panic where I want to try to jump in and wrestle with control. I’ll have times where my self wins and tries to rule. But I also have a promise. A promise that He will never leave me, abandon me. A promise that He will always be with me, even if it’s in the midst of a storm. A promise that the same God who created the world created me. And loves me. Flaws and all.