Star Wars: Rey & The Force

Star Wars: The Force Awakens opened in theaters this weekend and we went and watched it in 3D.  It was great, but one scene especially gave me chills and resonated deep within me.  Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie yet and don't want to read spoilers.

In the scenes prior Rey admits that she thought that Luke, Jedis and the Force were all myths. When she met Hans, she was told that no, it wasn't a myth but real.  Later Rey was captured by Kylo, who had gone to the Dark Side. He had her chained up and was trying to get in her mind and she was resisting.  Instead she realized that she could get in HIS mind. And told him that he was afraid.  This angers him and he leaves her chained by her wrists and ankles and guarded by a Stormtrooper.  She realizes that the Force is REAL, and IN her.  Rey, in a step of faith, tries out her new found knowledge and, in a voice barely louder than a whisper, tells the Stormtrooper "You will release me, leave the room and leave the door open."  She gets braver and says it again, louder.  The Stormtrooper hears and answers "I will not release you." She says it again, even louder.  He walks over to her and in a mocking voice replies, "you are nothing but scavenger scum."  She gets quiet for moment, you can almost feel her inner turmoil.  But then you can see it in her eyes, as she sets her resolve that the Force is real and she has the power within her.  She loudly exclaims, "You will release me" and the Stormtrooper replies, "I will release you" and proceeds to do all she commands.

This is when I started to wonder if I was in the movie theater or in church!  So many of us go through life hearing stories of miracles done by using the Force (Holy Spirit).  But so many think it is just old stories, passed down through the generations, just a myth.  Someone comes along and shares with us their personal story (Hans Solo) and by their testimony shares that it isn't a myth, but that the Force is real.  Satan (Kylo) can capture us in battle, chain us up and try to get in our head.  But with the Belt of Truth and Helmet of Salvation, activated by the Force within us we can resist.  As Rey resisted Kylo getting in her head but instead told Kylo what he was scared of, we also know that Satan is afraid because he knows how the story ends.  Knowing that truth didn't set Rey completely free though.  She was still bound and still guarded by her demons, the Stormtrooper.  She didn't give up and accept her bondage.  She gathered the strength of the Force within her and fought the only way she could while being bound, with her words.  She spoke, outloud, telling him what he would do.  Even when he told her no, then proceeded to mock her, telling her she was a nobody and worthless and he would never set her free, she didn't give up. She paused, but pressed on. Continuing to speak, more boldy, the truth of her freedom. To speak of those things that don't yet exist, as though they do. Much like Abraham did in Romans 4:17 "in the presence of Him whom he believed—God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did." The end result was the Force grew stronger with her faith and she was released from her chains.  Kylo was extremely upset over this and sent a lot of troopers to go find her, because he knew that as she realized the power of the Force in her, she would get stronger and could eventually defeat them completely.  And later in the movie she did have a fierce battle with Kylo.  Backward, forward, slashing and fighting. Much like in our life, we can speak the truth, break the bonds but that doesn't exempt us from the fight.

And even after winning the fierce battle, she know there are more battles to come, so goes and seeks a Jedi (Luke) that has the Force strong within him and many years of experience and can train/mentor her so that the Force becomes stronger in her on her own journey. 

Much like Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend." And 2 Timothy 2:2 "What you have heard me say in front of many people, you must teach to faithful men. Then they will be able to teach others also." Proverbs 9:9 "Instruct the wise, and they will be even wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn even more."

Another scene that resonated within me was the love of Hans Solo for his son, despite the choices his son made, Hans loved him with an unfailing love.  Much like the love of our Heavenly Father.  

If you like Star Wars, even if its just a tiny bit, you should watch this movie and see what allegories you notice while watching it.

Sometimes sermons come from the most unexpected places....

Never Give Up!

Tightly hugging myself to try to stop the uncontrollable shivering and shaking, I stared across the desk in the windowless bare room.  The person on the other side of the desk was shooting rapid fire questions at me in a flat tone of voice as she noted my answers on the writing pad in front of her.  The majority of my thoughts centered on how she was trying to trick me during this interrogation.  Yet, in the back of my mind I knew where I was, and why.  But how?  How did I end up here? 

The where on that Friday evening almost five years ago was the intake area of a private, mental hospital.  The why was to get help, help because I knew I was in a situation I couldn’t fix myself.  I was manic, anxious, paranoid and battling psychosis.  The how is what I was struggling to grasp.  I was a wife, a mom, a Girl Scout leader, on staff at a church, I preached in a women’s prison (a prison featured on a cable TV show for some of the rough inmates) and volunteered in many community activities.  Part of me thought those things would exempt me from something like this.  I shouldn’t be here; people like me don’t belong in places like this.  Yet, I was here, and I was admitted to the inpatient locked ward.

As the oldest of eight children I was always very independent.  I was also adventure loving.  Unfortunately, I also had somehow gotten who I was, mixed up with what I did.  And since I based who I was on what I did, I did lots.  I went to missionary training school and worked in a church.  I was self-sufficient and confident in what I was doing.  Though during my teen years I noticed a pattern of what everyone around me called “adrenaline junkie” behaviors then times of deep depression.  I managed to mask the depression, though I wrote out my first will at age 19 because I truly believed I would die young.  I knew this wasn’t “normal” and as it got worse, I tried harder to hide it.  Eventually the inner turmoil was too hard to hide and I turned to substances to self-medicate.  That went on for many years until I realized that they were beginning to control me instead of me using them to control myself.  During this time I also ended up in the ER from an overdose.  My husband and I were having issues and I thought my children and everyone I knew would be better off without me.  But mostly I just wanted to sleep, sleep until it all went away.  No matter how long that type of sleep took.  There was a second incident as well, but it didn’t result in medical assistance.  I still didn’t realize there was a mental health issue, instead thinking that it was probably from the substance use.  I joined Celebrate Recovery to make those changes.  But without self-medicating the original issues resurfaced, even more so.  After some doctor visits I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and started on the long road of finding the right medication mix and steps to stability.  These steps include talk therapy, dietary changes, sleep changes, mood tracking, exercise and education.

One of the most difficult parts is the stigma.  Much of it was self-induced stigma and having to realize that I am not a label or a diagnosis.  And stigma is not only what people think, but what they say.  Christians who wouldn’t think to tell someone with a broken arm not to use a cast, had no problems saying someone with a mental disorder should stop medications and rely on faith.  There is still a big disconnect with mental issues and the faith connection.  I later went abruptly off my medications and three years after the initial diagnosis is where this story began, in the intake room of the hospital.  There I was diagnosed with not only bipolar 1, rapid cycling, with psychosis but also a soft diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.  My time in there was of much self-evaluation and beginning to realize that my worth wasn’t based on what I do, or don’t do.  Though I watched people being abandoned by those that they thought loved them.  I became fearful that my husband wouldn’t be able to accept the “new” me when I was released.  But instead he showered me with love and proved that he would be there for me during my recovery.

Knowing how self-reliant I tend to be, I now consider this to be my “thorn in the flesh” that keeps me dependent on the Lord.   When I start to take on too much or feel like “I got this” it reminds me that I am only where I am today because of Jesus Christ, my Savior, my Healer and my Redeemer.

Today I’m enjoying my third year of being in what is considered remission.  We had a new start and moved to a new state, new friends, new church, and new career.  Last year my teenage daughter started dealing with mental health issues of her own and during that time I realized how alone I felt as a parent dealing with this.  I wasn’t sure who to talk to or where to turn.  After reading Amy Simpson’s book, Troubled Minds: Mental Illness and the Church’s Mission, and realizing that with one in four people being diagnosed with a mental illness I was far from alone, so I went to our church to discuss the need for a support group for those affected by mental illness.  I was given the go ahead and now help facilitate a support group for anyone affected by mental illness, whether themselves, a friend or family member.

The verses that I most rely on are:

Deuteronomy 30:19 (NLT), "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”  This verse reminds me no matter what is happening, that I have a choice to make, and by choosing life, my descendants might live and I will receive blessings.

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV), “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  The anxiety and fear are not from God.  This reminds me when I’m fearful to call out to Christ to cover me in the spirit of power, love and a sound mind.

2 Timothy 4:7 (KJV), “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”  This reminds me to never give up, to finish the course of life that God has given me and to keep my faith, no matter what my feelings may be trying to tell me.  When I stand before my Creator I want Him to greet me with, “Congratulations, you finished the course I set before you.”

A huge part of me wants to hide this part of my past.  I’m in a career that I like and not sure how a disclosure might affect it.  I have friends that I don’t know how they will react.  I’m enjoying the stability of remission.  Why rock the boat?  Why expose this part of me?  Why risk it?  The bigger question though is why not?  God has blessed me and when the media only exposes the worst case scenarios of mental illness, people feel stigma and shame.  Shame is different than guilt and is not from God.  Writing this is my way to renounce the shame and help reduce the stigma.  You are not alone and a diagnosis is not WHO you are and it is not the end of your life.  Psalm 30:5 (KJV), “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

Please don’t hide alone, fearful and scared to reach out for help.  You are loved by your Creator, the Comforter, and there are people who understand and can help. 

 

Burn Prevention

Friday night before my yoga class I sat in the dry sauna for a bit.  It's typically pretty hot, like nearly take away your breath hot.  But this time it had been turned up to the hottest level possible.  It burnt my nose just to breathe, and I ended up getting a cup of water to sip on.  The edge of the paper cup was super hot to the touch, but that water, each little sip, was so cool and refreshing. 

I couldn't help but think of the Bible story about Lazarus and the rich man. (Read the whole story HERE, Luke 16:19-31) There is a lot more to the story, but the part that stood out was this one verse. Luke 16:24 ‘Father Abraham, have some pity! Send Lazarus over here to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue. I am in anguish in these flames.’  Just in the 10 minutes or so I was sitting in the sauna I was grateful for the multiple sips of water.  And that was just a hot sauna, not sitting in fire. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  It was a beautiful spring day.  The first day we were able to get the kayak out on the water, put on swimsuits and enjoy the beach, boating and sun.  It wasn't super hot and I really wasn't thinking about sunscreen.  I am outside a lot and was ok, EXCEPT the tops of my shoulders.  They haven't seen sunlight since early fall.  And they fried, as in bright red, look like a lobster, hurt, no doubt will peel, kind of burn.  The kind that woke me up every time I rolled over last night.  And it was a halter type swimsuit, which meant all day my shirt has rubbed on it.  I couldn't believe I had burned my shoulder tops that badly when the rest of me just turned brown.  They were so burnt I posted a pic on facebook.  And wow!  So many of my friends either told me how not to get burnt next time (sunscreen and yes, I should have used it) or told me what to do to relieve the burn (multiple remedies of which I'm trying most). 

Friday night's sauna episode had all but been forgotten by this point. But this brought it back to mind as well as thinking about what hell would be like.  Being that I have probably the most random thoughts you could think of, I thought about the effort and time that my friends took to post to prevent and help my burn.  It made me feel cared for and loved.  But its just a sunburn, and just on my shoulders. 

What about those we know that don't know Christ?  Do we ever take the time to share with them the good news that though we are in a sin filled world, and though we are all sinners doomed to eternal death in a lake of fire, that Christ has died to pay that payment?  (For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16)  Our redeemer, our Savior, and if I might be so bold, our SONscreen.  Of course He is more than just "fire insurance," but rarely do I ever hear anyone mention the word hell anymore.  We all want to be "good."  So many think that "Christian" and "good person" are the one and the same.  And even when we know they aren't, we use the words interchangeably.  For example, not long ago I was trying to help someone find a job and the comment back was that I'm such a good Christian person.  At that point this person really didn't know me at all.  Just because I'm a nice person doesn't mean I'm a Christian person (I AM a Christian, but not because I'm nice or helpful or good).  Hell isn't pleasant to talk about.  It isn't politically correct.  We don't want to feel like our friends think we are judging them.  Believe me, I totally get this.  But we have GOT to quit thinking and worrying about others thinking that.  None of my friends that posted was worried that I would think they were judging me because they were sharing with me ways to prevent sunburn and offering to share sunscreen.  And isn't a life spent in hell for eternity much, much worse than a sunburn?

Matthew 7:13 “You can enter God's Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way."

God, please give me the boldness to point out the narrow gate, the way of life, to those I am around and meet.  Give me the words to say that guide, not turn away.  That show love and grace, not judgment.  Help me in my own daily walk to stay on the path of life.  To remember today and this life are quickly over, but heaven and hell are forever.  To not live in fear of hell, but to walk humbly in grace and gratitude that You have made a way of escape.  To be as willing to share with others the things that will effect their eternity, as I am to share the things that are fleeting.  Amen.

Let it Go, let it Go!

Ok, first off I have to admit I've never seen the movie Frozen.  But you'd have to be hiding under a rock with no children in a 1,000 mile radius not to have heard the song.  I have let life and the drama and stress it brings push me to all "go" and no "no."  Sometimes we just have to let things go.  Before Frozen came out we had AA give us the phrase "It is what it is" as well as having the Serenity Prayer to remind us to let things go that we can't control.

I was challenged by a friend today to write.  And write I will.  To let it go, it's gotta come out.  So unlike most of my blog posts, there is no rhyme or reason to this one.  Just a process of letting it out and letting it go.  So Crystal, this is for you! ;)

I first started feeling very tired in March of 2014.  I went to a doctor for blood work and my cortisol levels came back very high, which indicates high stress.  I got the results the day before I left for my Granddaddy Amos' funeral, my second grandparent funeral of 2014, would end up with my last and final grandparent dying before the end of 2014.  I asked the doctor what to do and he said "take deep breaths."  Seriously, that's it?!  I left literally shaking and upset and not sure what to do next.  But I'm a person who in crisis step up to the plate, deal with it and afterward fall apart.  Which may be exactly what is happening right now.  Because ALL of 2014 was one big crisis.    The highlights include three grandparents dying, my daughter running away, bouts of her being in the hospital and a group home, lots of doctor visits for her, massive medical bills, a job promotion to manager, to a position where I was the third manager in 15 months (the others quit if that tells you anything about the stress levels of the job). Our rent went up twice, our truck broke down a couple of times, once leaving us stranded on the side of the road on Christmas Eve with all of our presents in the back of it.  My son, a senior in high school, found out not all his credits from Georgia transferred, so he has more classes to do next year.  His senior photos are all in a nice neat package in my nightstand now awaiting a hopeful "5th year senior" status and graduation.  To say I was looking forward to 2014 to end is an understatement of great proportion. 

I did start taking yoga, pilates, walking much more (lots of walking in my new job position too) and limiting the nights I would bring my work laptop home to do work at night and weekends.  I also started taking all kinds of herbs, vitamin and even cannabis oil drops (the CBD part that has the medicinal properties in it, not the THS part)

Thank you 2015!!  Was looking forward to a much better year. The year I turn 40, the year that you supposedly are the ultimate combination of settled in, have a decent job, have learned from past mistakes and are still healthy enough to enjoy the wisdom you've finally acquired.  Only it hasn't worked out quite that way.

In mid December I got strep throat.  Then another infection.  By January had the flu and now fighting a head and chest cold.  All this interspersed with extreme bone pain, intermittent debilitating fatigue and brain fog.  Went back to a new doctor for more tests.  Still in the middle of that one.  But at least this doctor is looking for answers, not just telling me to go chill.  And while I have in black and white, numbers that show things are not right, I also know that long-term stress can reek havoc on your body.

I've also learned that even good stress can be stress.  Good stress would be things like getting a small group at church started for people affected by mental illness (aimed mainly at parents, but open to anyone, family or friend affected), working on the greeting team, attending my Walk, Water, Word small group and an 8-week marriage workshop my husband and I are attending.  Good stress could also include the Book Club I'm in, with books I love to read and people I love to be around, but still its another source of a deadline and another to-do item on my list.

The fatigue has gotten worse and today I ended up home by 11 am.  It gave me quite a bit of time today to really reflect on some things.  Having to come home stressed me.  Stopped to think, why would taking a day off work stress me out even more?  And it hit me that I let what I "do" dictate my self worth.  Not what I do as in what career I have, but in literally what I do.  What if I can't clean or cook for my family, what if I can't work and bring home an income, would I be less of a person?  Would I still matter? 

I also have to wonder how much of this could be a spiritual attack?  My husband and I are taking our marriage workshop seriously and truly working on behaviors, attitudes and actions.  I'm helping lead a small group and have been open (though somewhat subtle) in my office about my beliefs, displaying Bible verses and such in my office.  I think of Job and wonder about what all he thought about as his children, home and health were taken.  I wonder if I've done something wrong, but then I also wonder if how I react and respond isn't a way to be a testimony to the power of prayer and having God in my life.

So while I still wait to see if/what is wrong, I'm learning a new concept.  "Be Still"  I never have been able to do that.  One other time I got to an overwhelming state and it affected me more mentally and I ended up in the hospital, forced to be still.  But here I am, running full force again.  Why, oh why, do I have to have extremes to get my attention??!  So for now, I will rest, albeit forced, rest is happening.  Sweet time to pray, evaluate where I'm at, where I want to be and realize that all of life is by grace, not by works. 

And as far as the song "Let it Go," well God had that one covered long before Disney!!

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin."  Matthew 6:28

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?"  Luke 12:25

"See, the Lord your God has given you the land. Go up and take possession of it as the Lord, the God of your ancestors, told you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deut. 1:21

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account." Ecclesiastes 3

And if you come to my house, please just ignore the dust bunnies, I've learned that they won't bite or kill you! ;)