Apparently I’m a slow learner so God has to tell me stuff over the course of several months and through several different venues to get it to start to sink into my head.
Last week I was meeting with someone and she basically told me that I needed to stop getting my validation from men, specifically from my husband. That you can never be really happy until you get your validation from God and can stand in front of the mirror, look at yourself and be happy with what you are doing, knowing you have made those choices for yourself and God, and no one else. I wasn’t sure at first if I agreed with the statement that that is what I was doing. So I decided to dig a little deeper.
First I looked up the definition of validate. In simple terms it means to prove valid; show or confirm the validity of something. From Wikepedia… “In common usage, validation is the process of checking if something satisfies a certain criterion. Examples would include checking if a statement is true (validity), if an appliance works as intended, if a computer system is secure, or if computer data are compliant with an open standard.” So if I’m checking to see if all my choices or what I wear, or how I look, or what I cook, etc, etc satisfies his standard or criteria, then I am looking to him for validation. One of the dangers in this, is that if you are looking to your spouse to validate you, and they don’t, it is very easy to fall into the trap of finding someone else that will.
Thinking on the term validations made me think of codependency so I looked that up. From the book, Love is a Choice, comes this definition. “In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self - personal identity - is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems. Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things - money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves.” And later in that book, “A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others; Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being created in God’s image. Ones self-worth is separate from the work one does or the service one renders. Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives; they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being and health; Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself. Codependent helping is joyless; Christian service brings joy. Codependent are driven by their inner compulsions; Christians are God-directed and can be free from compulsiveness, knowing that God brings the ultimate results.”
Both of these things probably all tie in with insecurity. A subject that I studied earlier this year through Beth Moore’s book, So Long, Insecurity and then in April by going to her conference on that subject.
I don’t “feel” insecure, or codependent or even that I have set up my husband to be the person to validate my worth. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’m seeing that often my actions belie my feelings. If one negative comment from him can change my whole attitude, then I'm letting his opinions validate my opinions and feelings. The lady last week told me that I was placing unrealistic expectations on my husband by seeking his approval and praise for my choices and how I feel and not only would it free him up to let that go, but that guys in general are much more attracted to confident women. She said make life changes for yourself and for God, not anyone else. To be proud of myself for my changes, not to need someone else's approval to be proud of them. That gave me a feeling of de je vu since another close friend had nearly said the exact same things to me before. And Beth Moore had said, “When the average guy see the woman in his life hold her own in the face of intimidation, he is impressed. At the end of the day, both men and women want to be with someone they can respect.” So what is confidence? Again from Beth Moore, “Confidence is driven by the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away.”
More quotes from Beth Moore that really stood out to me on this topic:
“If we knew who we were and what God has conferred upon us, what everybody else thought of us would grow less and less significant.”
“The jagged death trap of thinking that we’re only as valuable as we are sensual and that if no one loves us, at least they could want us is all too familiar to me.”
“Let Him (Christ) tell you you’re worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for, and yes, beloved, keeping. Whatever you do, don’t reject the only One wholly incapable of rejecting you.”
“We are called to cherish, support, and pray for others, but tying our security to them is a lost cause.”
During my quiet time this morning I was reading II Corinthians 6:8 (NLT). “We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors.” The footnotes in my Life Recovery Bible say, “When we live for God and follow his program for godly living, others will react to us in one of two ways. Some honor us as genuine and support what we are trying to do; others will malign and dishonor us. If we are trying to impress others to bolster our self-esteem, we will be devastated when people react negatively. This may lead us to give up on what we have started. Paul received his self-esteem from his relationship with God and did not need to be honored by others. He knew that he could never please everyone anyway. If we live to please God, we will find that as we build healthy relationships with others we will have joy.”
God has called me first and foremost to be a wife and mother. It doesn’t always feel like the most significant job, but our jobs are not where we should derive our significance from. We are created in the image of God, how much more special can you get than that?! My responsibility is to do what I know God is asking of me, not to crash and burn out trying to attempt to do it all or make everyone happy, even if those things are “good” things or ministry related. And even though my job is to be the best wife I can be, it doesn’t mean that all my decisions or my worth are to be based on what my husband wants me to do or say or act. So today I’m dressing myself in dignity and continuing each day to ask God to lead me in every step forward I take. His “stamp of approval” is the only one that truly matters. Now if I could just remember that all the time!
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25
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